In my second year of varsity. Still in the peak moment of uncertainty about where life seems to be heading to. It’s the pandemic!!. Threatened, scared, confused, heartbroken and mixed in my emotions. I have been hanging in there telling myself that it’s going to be all jus fine, you know, some days I feel it so loud in my head. The voice, it is barking at me..” I think I lost it already” but am scared to give in, we can do this girl, yes we can, let’s push a little bit harder. Schools open and reopen in a cycle. It’s a second and third wave hitting. “It’s here to stay”. We all make peace in our lifeless hearts.
The time is 5:30 am. I am awakened by an alarm I abhor all of a sudden every morning but greatly value before I go to bed. Time to grind.. I have to balance school and work. This is the most I can do with my life right now so.. On my way to work, there are many things that crisscross my mind and I recall I need to secure my sanity, as well as the bag!!. I choose to dive into music.. but.. but am confused.. Does My heart want to worship right now and just let Him take the wheel?. Mama always did that when she was disturbed …I am in a trance for a moment and then I snap after the tout bangs hard on the vehicle and I hear the engine get reignited.. I find myself staring at a young man at the stage, quickly I Tilt my head and it’s a wrap. My heart chose shrap.. and I gave the heart what it wants.
At 5:00 pm I am in school.. I have my Chinese classes on going.. They are physically attended. I have missed most classes. It’s not as easy wanting to balance and still be best at both my work life and school. My stomach hurts.. am hungry. I walk to the tuck shop that is a block away from my lecture hall and grab something to eat.. Here I’m also supposed to meet up with a so-called Good Samaritan who I got to know a few weeks ago over the phone. We arranged to meet up before our class that was to begin in half an hour’s time. Let’s call him Peter!!.. So this is how it started…
“Hello, My name is Daisy.. I rarely have been able to attend the evening classes because of work and would kindly need updates on what happens in class when am not around.. “.. I got his number from our former Chinese class president.. who informed me that Peter was our new class president for our second year.
So we meet.. and talk.. and apparently, the dude I have been talking to all this while is just a sophomore as me.(He sounded way matured over the phone).. I recalled. I thought he was some senior guy doing engineering.. but at least for the engineering part I was right.
He was smart n had a calm aura and also ambitious, that part, you see that part……, ambitious, is what made us friends.. F. R. I. E. N. D. S!!. We talk and talk and talk .. and am appreciating the fact that I get this one male friend in life after a while.. lol.. I am excited and foolishly happy about it. Little did I know. We keep being positive friends to each other, we engage most days and exchange views and opinions and aid each other till one night he asks..
“Can I ask you something, rather silly though?”..
Without thinking much..
“Sure. My pleasure buddy.. Go on!”
“Have you ever been in love and how was it? “
“Yikes”.. I saw this coming.. but not as soon as it did.
I laughed hard in reply to his text and calmly responded.. I told him roughly how my drama series love life has been.. he heard and heard well.. then I jumped in so fast.
“And I have something to also tell you”
He sounded happy to hear that.. and really waited for me to keep going..
“Go on, I am all ears!”
“Kindly promise to never intend to cross the line.. You are a good guy friend and Mashallah I am really happy to have met someone like you. But buddy let’s be friends only ok” I then sprinkled a smiley emoji at the end of that text ..half of me is apologetic. I can feel it in my heart. My fingers get sweaty too.
I never had wanted anything serious between me and Peter. He was a good friend.. I cherished and respected him always. But just for the sake of our friendship, I chose to do him like that.. I knew things would never have been the same again if we tried a relationship.. I knew I broke him.. I knew he was sad reading that “friendly” text from me, but I had to be stun.. Immediately I remembered the chopsticks he always kept and promised to give me when we met again .. mainly because the school had closed again and I hadn’t managed to attend the last Chinese spring festival that had been celebrated in school.. he still managed to get me a pair of chopsticks.. I had really wanted to own some and so as a good friend, he did me the favor of giving me one of his..
I thought.. oops!!! My bad.
He took time to respond..
“Yes, I promise, I understand!” .
You know what, when Nviiri sang “Kama uko Sawa.. nko Sawa”.. I think he lied.
I knew I hurt a friend.. but I had to for the sake of our friendship.
Peter was not a bad guy.. he got the looks and was smart and gentle, all that one would need.
But I thought, there’s no need to do something that I was sure would eventually not last and hurt any of us. I thought about my peace.. I thought about my heart and feelings. I knew I was being selfish.. but I still remained to know on Gaaad that I was on point.
That was the last text he texted that night.. I thought.. “Woow.. this isn’t funny anymore but we move on regardless..I thought I heard a voice .” This is the way..Walk-in it!!!” …..I slept
Early next morning in my usual daily routine on my way to work .I get a notification on my phone screen, it’s a message.
It’s him. Oh Woow .am shooked. He says,
“ Good morning. It’s okay Daisy..I was hurt by the truth you said. But I am grateful you were a true soul F.R.I.E.N.D.S we are!!”..and he smiled emoji.
“Merry Christmas .. have a lovely day”. He added finally.
The merry Christmas thingy.. we did as our inside jokes. It was our Morning greetings instead of Good morning. I knew all was well.